Most people these days have seen a therapist. But different people have different experiences of therapy, and some people benefit more than others. Here are some things to consider to get the most out of your therapy experience.
1. Do work in between sessions
A 50-minute therapy session once a week or fortnightly is not going to bring out change. Simply talking to a therapist does not bring about change, at least not sustained change. Much the same as talking about attending a gym class once per week is not going to make big changes to your fitness levels. You need to be an active participant outside of sessions. This might involve journalling, taking notes in a session and looking at them in between sessions or picking a task at the end of a session to focus on before the next. All this will help you get the most out of your sessions and improve your “mental fitness”.
2. Be open to hearing feedback that might be challenging
Your therapist may, and often should, give you feedback that may sting or be confronting. There is often a misconception that therapy is about making you feel good and warm and fuzzy, but this is often not the case. Your therapist is there to help you make changes, reflect on things that are not working and to challenge you. When I do this my clients have often reflected, “I thought you were meant to make me feel good!” And whilst therapy is not about making you feel bad, it is a space to be brave and hear the feedback no one else will tell you help you achieve your goals.
3. Understand the difference between validating and agreement
Your therapist will almost always validate how you are feeling about a certain situation, especially if they understand your history. But they may not agree with your perception or your interpretation. People often confuse validation and agreement, believing that if someone does not agree with them, they are not validating them. Being open to a different perspective in therapy can really help you to grow and heal.
4. Keep in mind that therapy will end
For therapy to really work, you need to develop a trusting and authentic relationship with your therapist so you can be vulnerable. This will allow real healing to occur. However, it is helpful to remember that this relationship will end one day. This can seem painful at first and almost counterintuitive to developing a trusting connection. But for therapy to have truly been effective, it involves building trust, internalizing this trust and using it as a springboard to navigate the world independently once you have healed and built up the skills you need to cope more adaptively. You can always hold the relationship inside you as a resource to know that trust, safety and emotional warmth is possible.
5. Ask your therapist questions about their therapy approach
There is nothing wrong with asking your therapist what types of therapy they use and how they approach therapy. This will give you a better understanding of whether the therapist is a good fit for you. In the first session, I explain to my clients that I use certain therapies and that I also do work that focuses on how the past influences the here and now. Therefore, if you are only wanting to focus on problem solving in the present moment or looking for symptom relief but not deeper healing, I am probably not the therapist for you. Knowing this from the start will help you have a more positive experience of therapy.
6. Therapy is not about feeling better, it is about getting better at feeling
This quite by Gabor Mate really sums up an important aspect of therapy and growth. Often people come to therapy looking for strategies to make them feel better. On the surface this makes perfect sense. But often this is code for “strategies to avoid or get rid of my feelings”, the very thing that usually leads people to therapy. Your therapist will teach you skills. But the skills will help you to feel more, tolerate these feelings and take them with you as you face life.
