Have you ever asked yourself, “Why do I keep repeating the same behaviours?” Or thought, “if I could just figure this out then I could finally change it?”
Questions that begin with “why” are often part of a natural human drive to make sense of our experiences, especially when our behaviour feels confusing or out of our control. Understanding ourselves can feel grounding. It can bring relief and often a sense of validation. There is something powerful about being able to say, “Of course this makes sense given what I’ve been through.”
In therapy, this kind of understanding is an important starting point. Early on, you share your story, and together with your therapist you begin to build a “formulation”, which is a shared picture of the different factors that may have contributed to your current struggles. This helps guide where therapy might focus, even if not everything is addressed at once. This stage often involves more talking, reflecting and making connections.
But if therapy stays here, something can start to shift.
You might begin to feel frustrated or stuck. You understand yourself but nothing is actually changing. Or this phase might feel comfortable, even safe, because it allows you to stay within what is known and avoid the uncertainty of doing things differently. At times, people even start to wonder if therapy really works, which would be a shame, because it can.
Understanding is important, but on its own it is rarely enough to create change.
Over time, therapy needs to move into something more active. This might include learning how to relate to your emotions differently, processing past experiences that still feel unresolved, gently loosening long-held beliefs and building new skills. And importantly, it also involves doing things differently in your day-to-day life.
This is often the hardest part.
Trying something new can feel uncomfortable, awkward and uncertain. You do not always know how it will go. It makes sense that part of you might want to stay in the “figuring it out” phase a little longer.
I often hear people say, “I think I just need to understand this a bit more deeply before I can change.” But in many cases, a “good enough” understanding is actually enough to begin.
Change tends to come through experience, not just explanation.
This means taking small steps, making room for discomfort, and sometimes getting it wrong. It also means learning that feelings do not have to be avoided or eliminated. They can be felt, with support, in a new way.
A big part of your therapist’s role is to walk alongside you in this phase, helping you navigate uncertainty, make sense of what happens, and build confidence in doing things differently.
Over time, many people develop a sense of when they genuinely need more understanding and when they might be (very understandably) holding back from the discomfort that change can bring.
I wonder if you might be able to notice that in yourself too.
